Curating My Bunker

Hello my name is Bobby P. Hispans and I am the Junior Senator from the former state of Alabama. Welcome to my bunker explainer! 

Now you may ask how a guy like me ended up a subterranean bunker expert, and that would be a fine question. As it turns out, legislatin’ was a lot harder than I thought it would be. People were always calling and asking me real curveball questions like “Why did I vote for you?” and “What is your stance on equality?” and “Which way to the 7/11?” It was exhausting and made my ears hurt. I thought it would never end. 

Then after a night of slingin’ back some thoughts and prayers, a few of my congressional buddies and I slam dunked on a real eureka jackpot — where better to hide from your constituents than under God’s Green Earth! Next morning, we packed up our buzzwords, burned our wives, and made a beeline for 200 feet below interstate 495. 

In the months that followed our descent, and way after we ate the Senior Senator from Louisiana, I came to realize that there’s really only one thing that matters in life: creating a space to fit both your physical and emotional needs. I’m talking curatin’ y’all!

Now if you’ve gotten this far (which means you haven’t devoured the worm that carried this message), I take it things must be going pretty good up on the surface. Can’t say I didn’t wonder. We’ve heard a lottt of rumblings. Some fireworks-noise, maybe a guttural scream or two. I obviously got the news about Alabama. But I didn’t send this worm for news. I sent this worm for information! So that if any of y’all ever get bored of sky-starin’ and think up the need to build your own bunker, you’d have a nice set of know-how from a seasoned source — me, Bobby P. Hispans. Let’s talk shop. 


I find that the best kind of bunker bowls are made from Jareds. Jareds are known for their ginormous skulls, which are great for slurpin’ ramen noodles out of. If you don’t have any Jareds available, a John or an Eric would do. 


After bowls, the next most important thing to keep in your bunker is a gun to shoot Jareds with. You should already have 3000 of these. Choose your favorite! I brought my eight-barrel Glock. 


Now with all this talk of shootin’ and slurpin’, some of you might wonder what there is to read down here. I’d suggest stopping by your local propaganda shack on your way in and getting a fresh set of Denial Pamphlets. Or save the trip and carve “I Am Not To Blame” into your thigh. Scars last longer than pamphlets. Though the pamphlets would have helped the bathroom situation now that I think about it. Maybe get the pamphlets. 


Of course, I’d be remiss not to suggest a good blanket. It can get real chilly underground, and the last thing you’ll want to catch is the shivers. Under Bunker Law, any show of weakness (shivers) is grounds to get eaten. The senator from Louisiana knows something about that, God rest his delicious heart. IKEA does a great microfiber. Do y’all still have IKEA? Now those Swedes know something about curatin’! Almost makes you regret nuking them out of jealousy.


Anyway, the last thing you need for your bunker is lots and lots of string. You may have noticed by now that the worm who brought you this message is all good and tied up with one long thread that goes from him back into the ground. That leads to me. Please pull on that string and lift me out of here. I’ve been in this bunker for three years, and to be frank, it’s not as much fun as I thought it would be to be! That said, once you lift me out, feel free to take my spot. I think you’ll like what I’ve done with the place. 

Guidelines for Attending This Year's White House Easter Egg Roll

Distinguished guests! Welcome to your complete guide for attending the 139th annual White House Easter Egg Roll. We are proud to extend this invitation to you, a person picked specifically from the lineup sent to us by Central Casting. Your features really screamed “MAGA,” and for that we are grateful. However, we wanted to share a few pieces of important information with you before the big day.

Be advised that all persons attending this event are subject to a complete body search by the President. There is no place to report “harassment” on the White House Complex Grounds. Mouthwash available in the venue.

We have compiled a list of several prohibited items for your convenience. Restricted items include: laptops, tablets, camera sticks, firearms, dissident beliefs, balloons, luggage, judgy tattoos, signs promoting peace, and largish hands.

Once admitted to the South Lawn, please pick up your assigned child at the table marked CHECK-IN. Children have been assigned based on face-matching analysis provided by the CIA. Children provided by the Ukraine.

The Egg Roll will take place once all spoons have been administered. In an attempt to modernize, this year’s spoons have been upgraded from wooden to silver-plate. Note: due to cost, lead substituted for silver. Do not place in mouth. Do not discard in rivers. Just hold.

Many have asked who will play the Easter Bunny. We can now confirm our own Sean Spicer will reprise the role. We ask that you do not speak with Sean while he is in character, or at anytime before or thereafter. He will be gagged.

In accordance with their reverence for this tradition, Jared and Ivanka will not be attending. The First Lady will miss her flight. We cannot find Tiffany.

That said, we are proud to announce the attendance of several celebrity performers. Previous Easter Egg Roll events featured the likes of Idina Menzel, Justin Bieber, and the cast of Glee. This year we are pleased to welcome The Bethesda Straight Men’s Chorus, A Flaming Effigy Of Jake Tapper, and Omarosa’s niece.

The day’s festivities are scheduled to end at 6:45 PM. May end earlier. Not sure. Sean knows, but has been pre-gagged.

Thank you for joining us for this high-profile event that, again, we definitely remembered was a thing we had to do. Checks will be mailed. Bring a snack! Do not bring eggs. We have enough eggs.* Thanks!

* Souvenir eggs may be purchased in the gift shop of the Trump International Hotel. Two drink minimum purchase required.

Ways To Betray me

It’s 4/2/17, which means another April Don’t You Dare Prank Me Day has come and gone, and I’ve remained intact. Pranks, I’ll point out the obvious, are evil. They take advantage of genuine and honest reactions in fellow human beings, real emotional moments, and play them off like a trash orchestra. They are cruel. They detune my heartstrings. Let’s get this straight: to prank me is to betray me. It is to send the figurative guillotine crashing down upon my soul-neck. Of course, a prankster would probably use an actual guillotine. And to that I say: go to jail.

Anywho, here are some other ways to betray me. Do what you will with this information. Tiptoe around it, roll your eyes. But to those who choose to use it, go ahead — gut me like a fish. But good luck picking my weird little bones out of your teeth. Prickly!

(L) — An example of betrayal (R) — where the camera is supposed to point (@ ME)

(L) — An example of betrayal (R) — where the camera is supposed to point (@ ME)

BETRAYALS, in a very particular order that I refuse to betray

  • Anything but total support for the oxford comma

  • Wearing flip-flops on a walk through THE CITY
  • Not RSVPing to my party
  • Telling me to watch a show that’s “so good” and then it’s Bones
  • Saying that I’ve had too much pasta, doesn’t matter if I’ve agreed in the past, do not say this
  • Murdering me
  • A lack of interest in
    - The Ocean
    - Rules
    - History
  • Too much interest in
    - Contact Sports
    - Your Car
    - “Bug Rights”
  • Lying to me in a medium way. I’m okay with a small lie (convenience) or a big lie (drama), but this kind of lie suggests you don’t care about me at all
  • Chocolate allergy
  • Refusing to acknowledge talent because you “don’t get the hype” @@@@CERTAIN PEOPLE THAT MAY BE READING THIS@@@@@
  • We’re somewhere in public and you ask me to watch your stuff and I say sure and then you don’t come back for two hours, what????
  • Yeah we’ll add murder another time. Please don’t do this to me!
  • Not replying to my texts, insta DMs, FB messages, and/or smoke signals after a full day has passed. I know you’ve seen them and I don’t have enough lumber to keep this fire burning
  • Suggesting I won’t be a Wild Success
  • Combat gear outside a war-zone
  • Pointing out my occasional verbal twitch/up-speak
  • I send you an article to read and you don’t read it and then I have no one to talk to about the contents of the article and then I implode from pressure
  • Playing “devil’s advocate” aka you’re a monster
  • Loving me and then deciding not to anymore
  • A lack of respect for my music tastes (eclectic pop, moody pianos) even though I’m fine with you liking, uh, Mumford & Sons
  • Carbonation
  • The color chartreuse, and one more time for the people in the back