Y’all ever wake up on a Sunday morning and start yelling “y’all” (a word you’ve never said, much less y’elled)? Have y’all? Yeah y’all? Well you might be in a parallel universe, y’all! Y’ALL Y’ALL Y’ALL.
My mind’s jumped on a discount cruise to several a multiverse since 11/9/16. Safer than opiates and more fun than depression, a vacation to an alternative reality can really hit the fascism-drained spot. Here are my top picks for Spring, plus a few to avoid if you’re an anus-mouthed goblin clinging to the 20th century like a xenophobic leech on misogynistic tar. Happy travels, anyway!
Parallel Universes, Spring ‘17
In no particular order because alternative realties don’t give a F about your list culture aggressions:
· #900453A: Take the galactic turnpike all the way down and then veer into dreamland because this universe is full of one thing: not snakes! People walk around totally oblivious to any world where lizards never developed legs. “Slither” doesn’t make the Webster’s cut, venom is for spiders, and a boa is just something I wear after two glasses of wine. What a world.
· Parallel Unnie 43: Just a hop, skip, and a jump into a vent at the bottom of the Mariana Trench and you’ll be hop, skippin’, and jumpin’ to the killer beats of the dearly lived. Here’s a timeline where Prince invites me to his castle, Bowie campaigns for Kamala Harris, and George Michael gets wiiiiiiild in every bathroom south of the Mason-Dixon to our CHEERS.
· The One Where “Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative” who-zits have to walk a tightrope above that toothy Star Wars pit until they p-o-p.
· Para-U CC12: Dogs are in charge. It’s honestly not much better than now. Bigger postal service budget, though.
· M-28: Look in the mirror, see what you saw, saw this ‘verse in half, it’s suuuuuper boring/head back home/nothing to see here/okay the churros were slightly better.
· Andromeda 7A: Everyone has a butt like Nicki Minaj and there are no questions. THERE ARE NO QUESTIONS.
· #99–405: This one took me a sec to figure out. First glance, things seem just like home sweet our universe. So I did the basic tests. Wars? Check. Exposed ankles? Check, check. “Academy Award Winner Casey Affleck”? Unfortunately: check. But three weeks on a Bahama and several hotel drawer investigations later, I had it figured out. Slow burn: we’ve all read Toni Morrison.
· PU123A&E: I jump from a five to a six. Tens are jailed. No one’s heard about cheekbones. Still have Nicki’s butt.
· Parallel 10068: Ah, sweet ‘ole 1–0–0 six eight. Trump has a heart attack in the 80s, Paul Ryan watches it happen from a school bus window and never speaks again, we classify Steve Bannon as a virus and contain that shit early, Jeff Sessions also has a heart attack in the 80s oops, Moonlight wins without interruption, Barack O. starts a Beyoncé-grade blog, Elizabeth Warren passes universal healthcare, Hillary stops pardoning turkeys and uses Thanksgiving 2017 to dismantle private prisons, Lorde releases a bomb single and no one calls it a distraction, TV shows about men in lawn chairs are outlawed, literally no one has heard of Betsy DeVos, same to Tillerson, Jared Kushner owns and operates an unsuccessful hot dog stand on a lesser pier, Rihanna and I are in love, I never leave…
· The One Where I’m A Movie Star, lol