Distinguished guests! Welcome to your complete guide for attending the 139th annual White House Easter Egg Roll. We are proud to extend this invitation to you, a person picked specifically from the lineup sent to us by Central Casting. Your features really screamed “MAGA,” and for that we are grateful. However, we wanted to share a few pieces of important information with you before the big day.
Be advised that all persons attending this event are subject to a complete body search by the President. There is no place to report “harassment” on the White House Complex Grounds. Mouthwash available in the venue.
We have compiled a list of several prohibited items for your convenience. Restricted items include: laptops, tablets, camera sticks, firearms, dissident beliefs, balloons, luggage, judgy tattoos, signs promoting peace, and largish hands.
Once admitted to the South Lawn, please pick up your assigned child at the table marked CHECK-IN. Children have been assigned based on face-matching analysis provided by the CIA. Children provided by the Ukraine.
The Egg Roll will take place once all spoons have been administered. In an attempt to modernize, this year’s spoons have been upgraded from wooden to silver-plate. Note: due to cost, lead substituted for silver. Do not place in mouth. Do not discard in rivers. Just hold.
Many have asked who will play the Easter Bunny. We can now confirm our own Sean Spicer will reprise the role. We ask that you do not speak with Sean while he is in character, or at anytime before or thereafter. He will be gagged.
In accordance with their reverence for this tradition, Jared and Ivanka will not be attending. The First Lady will miss her flight. We cannot find Tiffany.
That said, we are proud to announce the attendance of several celebrity performers. Previous Easter Egg Roll events featured the likes of Idina Menzel, Justin Bieber, and the cast of Glee. This year we are pleased to welcome The Bethesda Straight Men’s Chorus, A Flaming Effigy Of Jake Tapper, and Omarosa’s niece.
The day’s festivities are scheduled to end at 6:45 PM. May end earlier. Not sure. Sean knows, but has been pre-gagged.
Thank you for joining us for this high-profile event that, again, we definitely remembered was a thing we had to do. Checks will be mailed. Bring a snack! Do not bring eggs. We have enough eggs.* Thanks!
* Souvenir eggs may be purchased in the gift shop of the Trump International Hotel. Two drink minimum purchase required.