It’s 4/2/17, which means another April Don’t You Dare Prank Me Day has come and gone, and I’ve remained intact. Pranks, I’ll point out the obvious, are evil. They take advantage of genuine and honest reactions in fellow human beings, real emotional moments, and play them off like a trash orchestra. They are cruel. They detune my heartstrings. Let’s get this straight: to prank me is to betray me. It is to send the figurative guillotine crashing down upon my soul-neck. Of course, a prankster would probably use an actual guillotine. And to that I say: go to jail.
Anywho, here are some other ways to betray me. Do what you will with this information. Tiptoe around it, roll your eyes. But to those who choose to use it, go ahead — gut me like a fish. But good luck picking my weird little bones out of your teeth. Prickly!
BETRAYALS, in a very particular order that I refuse to betray
Anything but total support for the oxford comma
- Wearing flip-flops on a walk through THE CITY
- Not RSVPing to my party
- Telling me to watch a show that’s “so good” and then it’s Bones
- Saying that I’ve had too much pasta, doesn’t matter if I’ve agreed in the past, do not say this
- Murdering me
- A lack of interest in
- The Ocean
- Too much interest in
- Contact Sports
- Your Car
- “Bug Rights”
- Lying to me in a medium way. I’m okay with a small lie (convenience) or a big lie (drama), but this kind of lie suggests you don’t care about me at all
- Chocolate allergy
- Refusing to acknowledge talent because you “don’t get the hype” @@@@CERTAIN PEOPLE THAT MAY BE READING THIS@@@@@
- We’re somewhere in public and you ask me to watch your stuff and I say sure and then you don’t come back for two hours, what????
- Yeah we’ll add murder another time. Please don’t do this to me!
- Not replying to my texts, insta DMs, FB messages, and/or smoke signals after a full day has passed. I know you’ve seen them and I don’t have enough lumber to keep this fire burning
- Suggesting I won’t be a Wild Success
- Combat gear outside a war-zone
- Pointing out my occasional verbal twitch/up-speak
- I send you an article to read and you don’t read it and then I have no one to talk to about the contents of the article and then I implode from pressure
- Playing “devil’s advocate” aka you’re a monster
- Loving me and then deciding not to anymore
- A lack of respect for my music tastes (eclectic pop, moody pianos) even though I’m fine with you liking, uh, Mumford & Sons
- The color chartreuse, and one more time for the people in the back
- MURDERING ME