April Fools' Day is one of the worst days of the year. It's the first of a month that's, overall, kind of a drag. And it's the day that sanctions cruel tricks as hilarious and makes it "totally okay" for Jim to silly-string your cubicle in the name of "good fun." Silly string doesn't come out of keyboards, Jim. It just doesn't.
So here is a guide to avoiding pranks. And, if pranked, some tips on seeking revenge. Or tips if you just want to put pranksters in their place. Which is HELL.
- Throw kindness out the door today. Do not hold open any doors, say any bless-yous, or kiss any babies because they could all be traps. Especially the babies. Avoid those all together.
- Glue googly-eyes to all sides of your head. Confuse the enemy.
- Do not underestimate the power of a strong floral print. Great for springtime camouflage. Also studies show mean-humans have a harder time being mean in the presence of delicate objects (anyone covered in flowers).
- Body armor.
- Document everything. You never know what could hold up in court.
- Probably a good idea to sleep with two eyes open. No naps today. Not even micro-sleeps. That's when they'll pounce.
- If "pounced," prepare to lose all morals. Not many people know this, but The Constitution carries no protection for pranksters. They're basically dirt in the eyes of the law. And it's okay to treat them as such. Some ideas:
- Cuff 'em. To a tiger.
- Edit them into a photo with Donald Trump and post it to Reddit.
- Because you're documenting everything, send a recording of them saying the inevitable "pranked ya!" to their parents. Bring shame to their family.
- To clarify - none of the above revenge operations are pranks. They are revenge operations. Do not get it twisted.
- Walk in all public spaces with 911 dialed. Be prepared to show this to encroaching pranksters with "I will do it! Don't test me! Don't test me!!!"
- Sing a little ditty. Happiness is unsettling. Skip to the beat!
- Under no circumstances should you follow a path of signs pointing toward any of the following (will always lead to embarrassment/sadness/death):
- Pool on the roof
- one day only petting zoo
- shoe sale (especially boots - the "funniest" of shoes)
- Carnival Parade
- Pride Parade - this will, every time, be Lions. ("Lions" not a term for any variety of gay male).
- Mime Parade
- actually, this could be real & fun
Follow this guide and I can guarantee your safety to 45%. Nothing more, nothing less. Just make it through the day. Soon it will be April 2nd. The day we recover the proper balance in this world. The day Jim goes back to being the G-D bore he is the rest of the year. Sorry, not, sorry Jim!!