Me: Hi, God. It’s been awhile. Actually if I'm being honest, this is a first. Which is so my bad. Totally on me. But I can do better. Look—we’re talking now! Such an improvement. Totally progress. Anyhow, just wanted to stop by and check that you’ve got a handle on all of this? Things have just been extra not great lately? Doesn't really feel like your brand? More like the other guy? Don't get me wrong, I think you're great. Like, so cool. And I don’t want to question your all powerfulness or whatever. But, uh, wow? Don't take that the wrong way. It's just, I mean you must have this under control, right? You are God.
Anyway, if this is some sort of long con situation, just say the word. I once camped out in a Yankee Candle bathroom for seven hours so I could be the first in line for the new holiday scents. I get it. But you knew that. You know everything. Which is why I’m a little shocked you’ve let things go this far? Just cus, uh, wow. Are you bored? You must be bored. Too much “good” or whatever. I’d never fault you for shaking things up. I once shook a gallon of milk for five minutes. Had to get the chunks loose. Shake away!
But isn't it best to start small? Couldn’t it have been, I don’t know, a kitten stuck in a tree? So effective. We all gather for a stuck kitten. We feel bad, promise to never let kittens out of our sight again. Really learn a lesson. Get to see a fireman! God, you must love firemen.
Okay, fine. What about a pandemic? A small plague? A bird flu? Remember bird flu? Simpler times, God. Simpler times. Back when this was all a joke. Back when we used to laugh. Remember laughing? Laughing was nice.
Do we really need cupholders? You can take cupholders.
Alright. Here's the thing, God. I could even get with a flood. Do you get me, God? A flood. Obviously a small one would be better but if you were into something bigger—well hey—I’d sign off. That’s where I’m at, God. I'm at FLOOD.
God? God, if you aren’t satisfied with a trapped kitten or an avian flu or a big, nasty flood—fine. Angry God it is. I can deal with Angry God. I know Angry God. I know Angry God because I’m angry too. As in—WTF, God? As in are you even there, God? As in Nazis, God? Again?! God. Come on, God. I know we can be bad. But, God. God, we can be good! We stopped a pipeline. We donated to charity. We tweeted. We tweeted!!!! Did you see our tweets, God? God??