Dates We’d Go On If We Were Dating Which We Aren’t But Hey Call Me

I have been on very few dates. I could count them all on one hand. Maybe two if you count time spent with dogs. I am wildly inexperienced when it comes to the intersection of mutual interest and shared plates. It’s kind of my calling card. As in: “Oh Tavis? He’s never split an appetizer.” Or: “I simply cannot imagine him out.” And also: “nah trick.”

But lack of knowledge has never stopped me before! Not now and not in the ER. Who needs to “know stitches” when you’ve got a stapler and a can-do attitude? Anyway, here are some dates I thought up that are cool and chill and fun for all involved:

  • We Go To Starbucks And Read My Poetry To The Baristas: Making okay coffee is a thankless job, and that’s why these green apron-clad heroes deserve a special treat. We go to the tiniest location we can find. In this case, inside a grocery store. We order iced coffees and dump them onto the floor. Someone slips, but we ignore that and wade through our brown river toward a group of very tall stools. I ride on top of you shoulders, which is romantic and kind of gender-bending in a way that might be more at home in a non-corporate environment, but then again we’re here to disrupt. After some light pontificating from me on the role of man when crossing rivers, we mount the stools and scream my semi-erotic limericks in unison. This might appear spontaneous to the untrained eye, but I actually forced you to rehearse each syllable in several pre-date meetings (also at Starbucks). After five hours and two threats of arrest, we descend our stools and call a Lyft. I email you a few days later, but get an “out of office” reply. I know this means you’ve sold out. 
  • A Hike! To The Nearest Dump: I love going outdoors and getting my move on. But thanks to pickup truck commercials and Michelle Obama, so does everyone else. Still, I really want to take you to a unique spot. We begin our trek to the city dump at 5am. It’s dark — but that’s part of the romance. An interesting fact is that most “city” dumps are actually located far outside the city limits because they smell bad. Anyway, we don’t know that yet, but boy oh boy do we know it by the time we get there three days later! I collapse on top of you and wait for the dump-children to eat me. You don’t propose?
  • We Watch A Documentary: World’s Top Genocides. You go to the bathroom after Armenia and I never see you again.
  • Dinner At My Favorite Restaurant: So maybe I knew “Al’s Hogs In A Bog” would spell digestive disaster. But can you blame me for thinking simultaneous food poisoning might bring us closer together? And it did! Momentarily. All over your arm. We’ll go to your pick next time.
  • We Reenact The Entirety Of Footloose For Kevin Bacon: He loves it and wants to invest! He also says you’re really lucky to be dating me. So why’d you run?
  • Just Like A Nice Quiet Evening Where We Take A Carriage Ride Through Central Park And It’s Snowing Lightly But Then It Gets Worse All Of A Sudden And A Chunk Of Hail Knocks Out One Of The Horses And Then The Other Horses Trip Over That Horse And We Sort of Tumble Out And Break Our Necks And Then Get Helicoptered To The Hospital Where The Doctors Say They Can Only Save One Of Us And You’re Like “Save Him” And I’m Like “Yeah Save Me” And The Doctors Save Me And You Die But I Always Remember You And Maybe Even Name A Boat After You: Let’s date!