Like a very famous corpse once said: life imitates art. And since I’m in the throes of planning a dinnertime get-together (read: frantically searching for twinkly lights), I’ve had several seconds to think about whom I’d invite to my perfect evening shindig. Who'd be the best conversationalists. Who would help my career. Who would praise my meatloaf. Which of them would fake it. When I’d announce their wine was poisoned. Etc ad infinitum.
So in no particular order (except the secret one that reveals a complicated pattern that unlocks a mysterious safety deposit box filled with life changing sums), here’s who’s coming to dinner:
· The President and First Lady
o B&M just want a relaxing night out and I'm willing to deliver. Sasha and Malia come too. I put them at the kid’s table to start, then halfway through the night invite them to the adult table. They’re very appreciative. Malia invites me on the Mediterranean stretch of her Gap year. Sasha has nothing to give.
· The guy who stopped me in line at McDonalds to compliment my ‘look’
o More of the same, please
· Joan Didion
· Several dogs of Instagram
· Lena Dunham, Taylor Swift, & The Lady From SVU
o I seat them at a table by themselves and see what happens
· Emily Nussbaum
· The Queen
o But if the corgis aren’t there…she out
· All Living Music Legends Before The Inevitable Occurs In This Terrible 2016
· The Game of Thrones creators:
o I have some notes for them. They bring wine but leave before dessert.
· The people behind ‘Big Cheese’
o So I can berate them for not trying harder.
· Ruth Bader Ginsburg
o She sits next to me. We whisper in each other’s ears about how the Obamas' apple pie was “just okay.” She tells me about her wild New Year’s parties with Scalia. I tell her that we “should get out of here.” She says, “I couldn’t.” I respond, “Do you want to be Justice of the Peace, or Justice of the me…” She smiles to herself, turning her robes. Then we make out in front of everyone.
· Oprah Winfrey of the Oprah Winfrey Network
· Robert Durst
· Elena Ferrante
· Bei Bei, The National Zoo’s Giant Panda cub
· 1-3 randos for filler
· One of those humanoids they found buried in ice
o Someone’s gotta chill the drinks
· Any of Blue Ivy’s nannies
· The barista who sighed when he called out my name and order last week
o He should see how many friends I have
· Samantha Bee, Tina Fey, John Oliver, Amy Schumer, Seth Meyers, a cardboard cutout of me
o Are you even allowed to have this many of us in a room? Like how the President, VP, and Secretary of State can’t all use the same bathroom at once, ya know like that.
· Ina Garten
· Ted Sarandos, Chief Content Officer to Netflix
o Just hear me out.
· All of the aliens Hillary Clinton knows & also Hillary Clinton
· Some of the moms
· Merriam Webster
· Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the internet
· Experts on my favorite dead authors who I can force to cosplay as them so I forget about mortality and only think of beautiful prose/drunken literary brawls
· Robin Wright, Julianne Moore, & Cate Blanchett for severe looks when the Game of Thrones guys leave
· Select friends who won’t ruin this for me
· A chef from the Panda Express on Cahuenga, the one off the freeway, across from the porn studio, no the other one
o Because I was too busy curating this list and handling the RSVPs and honestly being on the phone with Oprah for too long (chatterbox) to make any food, but not sorry about it because there will be orange chicken and O’s got the knows
And if you made it to the safety deposit box...enjoy your bees. But don't bring them to the party!