Because you should always know your worst case scenario.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
Hey-o my baby arachnids! Venus is squatting in your first house this month, which means Halloween night is gonna be a real hot mess for you. Scoot your booty down to the neighborhood tombstone-garden for a hot hookup with that gravedigger who’s been ignoring you since “the accident.” Prove you’re worth it, even if deep down you know you’re not. Spooky!
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)
Ghosts have nothing on you, Sagittarius. No ifs, ands, or boos—this Halloween you’re the true fright of the night, because—that’s right—you’ve got typhoid. Wash up!
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)
Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)
You know what they say about dungeons—find a way out!
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)
The moon’s gone for a swing right through Pluto’s dream path, which is bad news for any Pisces hoping to get lucky this Halloween. Pack out your ghastliest safety gear and hit the town with a wary glance toward anyone sportin’ THAT LOOK (horngry).
Aries (March 21st – April 19th)
All is fair in love and terror, said a deranged monster. But it applies tonight too, Aries. The stars are on a warpath and they’re hot for you, boo. Like, very hot. Ever heard of a solar burn? Ever heard of your whole body? Ever heard of your dick.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)
Yo Bull Babes, we get it—you party hard. But you know what makes “getting lit” a lil’ hard? Possession! Meet the Ukrainian gymnasts who perished at the paws of Putin’s favorite pet. They control your legs now. And they’re pissed.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
Twins are scary. Proven fact. So one might wonder—what’s scarier than two identical humans? The answer: you don’t have time to find out because 700 identical spiders are chasing you through the street. That’s 5,600 limbs. Creepy!
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)
Something with crabs.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
You go as the Cowardly Lion every year because wow, what could be funnier? You are a Leo. Turns out someone hasn’t been finding this very funny. And that someone is God. Enjoy Hell, prick. (Only applies to Leos dressed as Lions. Other Leos please see: death).
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
Virgo, Virgo. Like a comet through Saturn’s 9th star field, you too will “blow up” tonight. First it will be your phone. Messages and calls. But then, just when you say those fateful words—“I’m blowin’ up!”—you too will blow up. Like a balloon. Or the Hindenburg.
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)
So much blood. Where did it come from? Whose is it? Look at the moon!