Your Monthly Horrorscope


We should know our worst-case scenario.


Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

            Hey, bullies! Your house is rising this month & you know what that means—certain peril. Say goodbye to the old and in with the new…canker sores! Remember that chocolate bunny you consumed en full last week? Well its sugary residue is hopping happily through your mouth’s freshly opened wounds. Maybe stick to something a little more health-centric next time. Like a wheat grass shot. Or a new lifestyle. Or not an entire chocolate bunny...idiot.

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)

            Don’t trust anyone this month, Geminis. Neptune is in full retraction & if history should repeat itself that means, you guessed it…cliff-jumping accidents. Avoid all cliffs or suffer your doom. And you must be vigilant. Don’t discount any sudden drop in topography. That curb you always trip over on your way into work? That will be your silver bullet this month. Do us all a favor and WATCH OUT, because nothing’s sadder than April rain at a funeral (no one will come).

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

            Pretty self-explanatory. Get those x-rays!

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)

            Beware Leos…as the Sun moves out of your ninth house of Aries so does any hope for that job promotion. Or job. Get used to being peasant of the jungle, because you’re getting canned. Maybe it was those pics of your butt that got emailed to your boss “accidentally,” or the HR memo you signed “Yo Momma.” In any case, enjoy our country’s minimal unemployment benefits! This cat may never land on its feet.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

            Hello, Virgos! Last month was pretty good for you, huh? Well now it’s April aka HELL. Aries is your ninth house and the one of intimate connections. Spicy! But with Venus crossing Mercury’s happy trail next week, only one thing is certain—BINGO, you got the herp. Could be worse though, am I right Gemini’s?!

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)

            Mercury wasn’t super specific when I asked, but don’t cross any intersections this month, Libras. Take the loooooooong way around. Trust—your spine will thank me.

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)

            As the Sun plows toward Taurus, expect your good luck to run dry. Actually expect a lot of stuff to run dry. Like the rivers that feed your local reservoir—no thanks to those notoriously long showers or all the times you let the sink run while you pooped. Thought water was an infinite resource? Say that to your vital organs, which, you guessed it—totally dry! Good news though: never heard of rain at a Scorpio’s funeral. But maybe that’s because no one ever goes?

Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)

            More like, SAG-ittarius. Yep, April is the month you age faster than ever, no thanks to Venus crossing paths with Jupiter in your house of perpetual vanity. No amount of moisturizer can save you now. Not even a gallon. Not even ten gallons! In fact, with three planets in retrograde, the more moisturizer you apply, the more obtuse the wrinkle. Listen: I don’t make the rules, the stars do. And they think you should have worn something with a higher spf.

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)

            You’re fine.

Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)

            With a supermoon on the charts, only one thing can be sure for those born in Aquarius: yo ass broke. April will see you spending an exorbitant sum of money on late night Amazon purchases and Ebay auctions. And what’s that? You forgot to re-up your Prime Membership? Guess you don’t have to eat next week. Or you could always eat that forest green nail polish that seemed super on-trend at 3am. Or the 12 books on…hummus? Fiber!

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

            With somebody’s moon circling so-and-so’s star path, it’s best to stay cautious, fish-people. Get your omega-3s. And your * 69s. Go for a run, but I beg you, NOT through the woods. That’s where it will happen. THAT’S WHERE IT WILL HAPPEN!!! SAVE YOURSELF BEFORE IT’S TOO LA

Aries (March 21st – April 19th)

         And finally, Aries. It's your turn, girl! The Sun's in your house and things couldn't be better. You got a new look on deck. Cash in your wallet. Love on this flat-Earth's horizon. Seriously, nothing bad heading your way this month. Soak it up! If my calculations are correct, and they always are, May flowers may mean something very different for you—like genital warts. So many genital warts. C'est la vie!