Aries (March 21st – April 19th)
With the Sun hopscotching deep into Cancer this month, you may finally be able to take a break from all that heat! War, war, war, can make a good Aries dull, which is why it may be best to watch out for butter knives and blunt instruments for a while. Stick to oils and steak-cutters, corn syrup and actual medieval swords until we’re through this star cycle. Your fingers will thank you.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)
What’s up my bulls! Cancer is your social house, which means it’s time to get flirty. With danger! Always wanted to take that shortcut down the alley on your way to the pizza place with the nice bathroom? This is the month to do it! Night walks alone? Hell yeah. Think the punch is safe? It is! Just have your emergency contact tattooed on your person. Maybe across your knuckles. Chic!
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
Pluto has really dropped the ball this round, which doesn’t bode well for you Geminis. Beware of goofy dogs—especially if they’re playing poker. And freeze nothing. I mean it. Not even your leftovers. Not even your leftovers!
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)
My crustaceans! The Sun is in YOUR house, which means it’s time to really focus on you. How are you? How are things? Good? That’s really nice. So, so, so, very nice for you. Just the best. Ahhhh, fantastic. You have crabs.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
Hello, Leos! It’s your month of rest. Time to kick back. Time to chill. Time to…IS THAT A BEAR RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN COME ON FASTER BEFORE IT CLAWS OUT YOUR OH DEAR GOD IT HAS YOUR EYES WHAT DOES IT WANT WITH THEM AH LIKE GUM IT’S CHEWING THEM LIKE GUM OH NOW IT’S BLOWING A BUBBLE THAT’S KINDA CUTE UNTIL YOU REMEMBER
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
Ah, Virgos. After that supernova in your infinity box last month I was really worried for you. How will they come back from that? So much glitter. And you know what they say about glitter…it’s super in right now! Toss yourself in some of that shimmer-shine, bread that chicken, and then hit “the town!” With your face. The glitter was super-magnetic. You’re bouncing from stop sign to stop sign like the rag doll I used to throw at stop signs.
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)
Your house is rising, and so is your temperature! Libras are hot, hot, hot this July. So break out the sunblock, grab your towel, and head to the…doctor. Get those lumps CHECKED OUT.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
A new moon’s on the celestial horizon and you’d be a buncha dumb bugs not to take advantage, Scorpios. Get out of your comfort zone. Travel! People are scared of planes, so airfare is cheap. Head to the tropics! Or Iraq! The desert is beautiful this time of year.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)
How do I put this simply? The stars hate you.
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)
Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)
It’s time to let it all go, water-babies. Your house is falling deep into Neptube's wake so it might be time to float out with tide, sink and sink until there’s no more light, except from the weird fish with the lantern things, and they're hungry, so very hungry....bring them a snack!
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)
Speaking of fish…finally to you, Pisces! With all the moons spinning out of control and the asteroid belt a total mess, it’s hard to say what’s worst for you as Cancer rounds out its path across the Sun. I could hit you with the obvious—mercury poisoning. But then so much will happen before that too, such as: Over-phishing (get that antivirus updated), core-all bleaching (pasty midsections), Ellen Degeneres (trapped with), and wait, I might be reading this wrong, no I’m not, yeah: more mercury poisoning. Take your vitamins!