One of the greatest joys in life is having a servant. Another one is having a friend! My friends are very important to me, in my life, this life that is mine. My friends love me. And I love them. But like a billboard for tattoo removal or a step-by-step guide to cleaning your nethers, my friendship, while aid-based, can be hard to read. So here’s a list of perks you receive upon passing the many entrance exams, boards of review, months with the Bedouins, and taste-test required to attain my friendship. Believe me—it’s worth it.
· Professional Smearing of Anyone That Slights You, Even If You Don’t Think It’s Necessary, I’ll Do It: My friends are real go-getters and they deserve peaceful work environments so their getting can get got. I will listen as you describe the people who are bothering you, probably someone named Darren, and then I will set to task. I will find them on LinkedIn. It will only take a few seconds. I am very good at LinkedIn. I will print out a copy of their profile and draw obscene symbols on it, including but not limited to: nazi shapes, horse genitalia, and winky faces. I will scan and upload this revised profile to “the cloud.” I will alert the social-justice hackers. And then I will wait. I will watch. I will smile.
· Picking You Up From The Airport: I will complain and shout at taxis. I may even slam my hands on the dash. But I’ll be there. Be there for you.
· Holding Your Hair So It Doesn’t Get In The Toilet: On most but not all occasions (pooping).
· Helping You Move: This is sincere. Lots of people don’t find helping a friend move “fun” and would refuse, or worse: put off refusing with texts like “let me check my sched!” or “new phone, who dis.” But not me! I want to touch all your things.
· Implicating Your Terrible Exes Of Major Crimes By Baking Tiny Babies Into Cakes That I Send To Them Anonymously And They Eat With Zeal Only To Discovery That They Ate Some Babies: in flavors as terrible as they are (lemon).
· Buying You Presents On Special Occasions: Your birthday, your Mom’s birthday, promotions, demotions, pet adoptions, childbirths (will probably be a leftover cake-baby), change of address, diets dropped, important travel, getting that rash taken care of even though we’ve named it and I’m attached, personal brand updates, and when I miss you.
· Becoming A Liar Re: Guns If Anyone Dares To Hurt You In Any Way: I will join the NRA faster than you can say hypo-BANG DEAD DON’T MESS WITH MY FRIEND YA CORPSE
· Sneaking My Way Onto A Jury If You’re Ever Brought To Court For All Those Unpaid Parking Tickets: I will sway all votes in your favor and wear a suit and have a fake name and yes it will be Atticus Funk.
· Killin' It: insects near you that won’t chill, conversation, the dance floor.
· Love You Unconditionally And Remind You Of It In A Way That Makes You Feel Uncomfortable But Also You Secretly Like It Also Please Don’t Leave Me I Am Fragile Like A Young Bird And You Are My Nest, Nuzzle Nuzzle
If interested in securing the above, please sign up for an examination date. And remember to bring your own camel. The Bedouins don’t travel with a spare.