I’ve struggled to come up with an appropriate way to express the very strong feelings of rage I’ve felt this week. I’ve shared videos, sent off pithy one-liners, left crazed voicemails with senators, stomped. All that felt ineffectual. I felt without use. Distraught. Crazed. But then I remembered I’m a witch and can command a plague of locusts at the drop of a broomstick. I quit the voicemails. I opened my spell-book. I set to work. And though I’m wicked in the streets, I’m generous in the deets. So here are some spells to use on people who won’t listen to reason. Or humanity. Those without an ounce of empathy or compassion certainly deserve hairy eyeballs/spells will also work on idiots, charlatans, evil beasts, and those who fight over who loves their gay baker more.
An Excerpt From "My First Witch Cookbook", upcoming from Black Cat Press:
· Vomitus Frogus. “The Croaker.” Cast at a distance of 50 feet. Please return frogs to swamp when finished.
· Intelligentia Illuminae. Draw a series of pentagrams onto charmed papyrus. Place carefully into a sealed envelope. Address to your most bigoted representative and send through USPS, overnight. Watch CSPN as they open it. 50% success rate. If spell fails, invoice overnight mail expenses to the NRA. A little elaborate, but worth it if results are positive!
· Sanguis Dare. Transfers all blood to banks most in need.
· Noseum Pinnochiano. Nose grows when lying. Or aroused. Indistinguishable if you’re Mitch McConnell, who accepted $9,900 dollars from the gun lobby in 2014.
· Cicadiani. Victim immediately sheds skin and burrows underground for ten years.
· Veritus Primus. Truth potion. Will need: 3 feathers of raven. 1 lock of hair, Barbara Walters. Hounds’ teeth. Anise for flavor. Directions: Bring contents to a simmer (DO NOT BOIL. DANGEROUS. VAPORS SMELL BAD). Pour into RNC-safe flask. Leave outside any T.G.I. Friday’s. Wait for local papers to run something like “Trump Supporter Admits to Blatant Racism” or “Local Man Combusts At Realization He Has Lost.”
· Obamacas Dosomethingas. Executive orders are the new black.
· Swedeatis. Calls a Comfort Swede when said into a bowl of pickled herring. He/She will appear in the guise of a liberal wet dream. Listen, but don’t get too attached. Comfort Swedes have a half-life of an Ikea Meatball.
· Vote. Have to wait until November, but if done on time and in good conscience, will see results!