Curating My Bunker

Hello my name is Bobby P. Hispans and I am the Junior Senator from the former state of Alabama. Welcome to my bunker explainer! 

Now you may ask how a guy like me ended up a subterranean bunker expert, and that would be a fine question. As it turns out, legislatin’ was a lot harder than I thought it would be. People were always calling and asking me real curveball questions like “Why did I vote for you?” and “What is your stance on equality?” and “Which way to the 7/11?” It was exhausting and made my ears hurt. I thought it would never end. 

Then after a night of slingin’ back some thoughts and prayers, a few of my congressional buddies and I slam dunked on a real eureka jackpot — where better to hide from your constituents than under God’s Green Earth! Next morning, we packed up our buzzwords, burned our wives, and made a beeline for 200 feet below interstate 495. 

In the months that followed our descent, and way after we ate the Senior Senator from Louisiana, I came to realize that there’s really only one thing that matters in life: creating a space to fit both your physical and emotional needs. I’m talking curatin’ y’all!

Now if you’ve gotten this far (which means you haven’t devoured the worm that carried this message), I take it things must be going pretty good up on the surface. Can’t say I didn’t wonder. We’ve heard a lottt of rumblings. Some fireworks-noise, maybe a guttural scream or two. I obviously got the news about Alabama. But I didn’t send this worm for news. I sent this worm for information! So that if any of y’all ever get bored of sky-starin’ and think up the need to build your own bunker, you’d have a nice set of know-how from a seasoned source — me, Bobby P. Hispans. Let’s talk shop. 

Bowls

I find that the best kind of bunker bowls are made from Jareds. Jareds are known for their ginormous skulls, which are great for slurpin’ ramen noodles out of. If you don’t have any Jareds available, a John or an Eric would do. 

Guns

After bowls, the next most important thing to keep in your bunker is a gun to shoot Jareds with. You should already have 3000 of these. Choose your favorite! I brought my eight-barrel Glock. 

Readin’

Now with all this talk of shootin’ and slurpin’, some of you might wonder what there is to read down here. I’d suggest stopping by your local propaganda shack on your way in and getting a fresh set of Denial Pamphlets. Or save the trip and carve “I Am Not To Blame” into your thigh. Scars last longer than pamphlets. Though the pamphlets would have helped the bathroom situation now that I think about it. Maybe get the pamphlets. 

Blankets

Of course, I’d be remiss not to suggest a good blanket. It can get real chilly underground, and the last thing you’ll want to catch is the shivers. Under Bunker Law, any show of weakness (shivers) is grounds to get eaten. The senator from Louisiana knows something about that, God rest his delicious heart. IKEA does a great microfiber. Do y’all still have IKEA? Now those Swedes know something about curatin’! Almost makes you regret nuking them out of jealousy.

String

Anyway, the last thing you need for your bunker is lots and lots of string. You may have noticed by now that the worm who brought you this message is all good and tied up with one long thread that goes from him back into the ground. That leads to me. Please pull on that string and lift me out of here. I’ve been in this bunker for three years, and to be frank, it’s not as much fun as I thought it would be to be! That said, once you lift me out, feel free to take my spot. I think you’ll like what I’ve done with the place. 

Guidelines for Attending This Year's White House Easter Egg Roll

Distinguished guests! Welcome to your complete guide for attending the 139th annual White House Easter Egg Roll. We are proud to extend this invitation to you, a person picked specifically from the lineup sent to us by Central Casting. Your features really screamed “MAGA,” and for that we are grateful. However, we wanted to share a few pieces of important information with you before the big day.

Be advised that all persons attending this event are subject to a complete body search by the President. There is no place to report “harassment” on the White House Complex Grounds. Mouthwash available in the venue.

We have compiled a list of several prohibited items for your convenience. Restricted items include: laptops, tablets, camera sticks, firearms, dissident beliefs, balloons, luggage, judgy tattoos, signs promoting peace, and largish hands.

Once admitted to the South Lawn, please pick up your assigned child at the table marked CHECK-IN. Children have been assigned based on face-matching analysis provided by the CIA. Children provided by the Ukraine.

The Egg Roll will take place once all spoons have been administered. In an attempt to modernize, this year’s spoons have been upgraded from wooden to silver-plate. Note: due to cost, lead substituted for silver. Do not place in mouth. Do not discard in rivers. Just hold.

Many have asked who will play the Easter Bunny. We can now confirm our own Sean Spicer will reprise the role. We ask that you do not speak with Sean while he is in character, or at anytime before or thereafter. He will be gagged.

In accordance with their reverence for this tradition, Jared and Ivanka will not be attending. The First Lady will miss her flight. We cannot find Tiffany.

That said, we are proud to announce the attendance of several celebrity performers. Previous Easter Egg Roll events featured the likes of Idina Menzel, Justin Bieber, and the cast of Glee. This year we are pleased to welcome The Bethesda Straight Men’s Chorus, A Flaming Effigy Of Jake Tapper, and Omarosa’s niece.

The day’s festivities are scheduled to end at 6:45 PM. May end earlier. Not sure. Sean knows, but has been pre-gagged.

Thank you for joining us for this high-profile event that, again, we definitely remembered was a thing we had to do. Checks will be mailed. Bring a snack! Do not bring eggs. We have enough eggs.* Thanks!

* Souvenir eggs may be purchased in the gift shop of the Trump International Hotel. Two drink minimum purchase required.

Top Parallel Universes for Sping

Y’all ever wake up on a Sunday morning and start yelling “y’all” (a word you’ve never said, much less y’elled)? Have y’all? Yeah y’all? Well you might be in a parallel universe, y’all! Y’ALL Y’ALL Y’ALL. 

My mind’s jumped on a discount cruise to several a multiverse since 11/9/16. Safer than opiates and more fun than depression, a vacation to an alternative reality can really hit the fascism-drained spot. Here are my top picks for Spring, plus a few to avoid if you’re an anus-mouthed goblin clinging to the 20th century like a xenophobic leech on misogynistic tar. Happy travels, anyway!

Parallel Universes, Spring ‘17

In no particular order because alternative realties don’t give a F about your list culture aggressions:

· #900453A: Take the galactic turnpike all the way down and then veer into dreamland because this universe is full of one thing: not snakes! People walk around totally oblivious to any world where lizards never developed legs. “Slither” doesn’t make the Webster’s cut, venom is for spiders, and a boa is just something I wear after two glasses of wine. What a world.

· Parallel Unnie 43: Just a hop, skip, and a jump into a vent at the bottom of the Mariana Trench and you’ll be hop, skippin’, and jumpin’ to the killer beats of the dearly lived. Here’s a timeline where Prince invites me to his castle, Bowie campaigns for Kamala Harris, and George Michael gets wiiiiiiild in every bathroom south of the Mason-Dixon to our CHEERS.

· The One Where “Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative” who-zits have to walk a tightrope above that toothy Star Wars pit until they p-o-p.

· Para-U CC12: Dogs are in charge. It’s honestly not much better than now. Bigger postal service budget, though.

· M-28: Look in the mirror, see what you saw, saw this ‘verse in half, it’s suuuuuper boring/head back home/nothing to see here/okay the churros were slightly better. 

· Andromeda 7A: Everyone has a butt like Nicki Minaj and there are no questions. THERE ARE NO QUESTIONS.

· #99–405: This one took me a sec to figure out. First glance, things seem just like home sweet our universe. So I did the basic tests. Wars? Check. Exposed ankles? Check, check. “Academy Award Winner Casey Affleck”? Unfortunately: check. But three weeks on a Bahama and several hotel drawer investigations later, I had it figured out. Slow burn: we’ve all read Toni Morrison.

· PU123A&E: I jump from a five to a six. Tens are jailed. No one’s heard about cheekbones. Still have Nicki’s butt.

· Parallel 10068: Ah, sweet ‘ole 1–0–0 six eight. Trump has a heart attack in the 80s, Paul Ryan watches it happen from a school bus window and never speaks again, we classify Steve Bannon as a virus and contain that shit early, Jeff Sessions also has a heart attack in the 80s oops, Moonlight wins without interruption, Barack O. starts a Beyoncé-grade blog, Elizabeth Warren passes universal healthcare, Hillary stops pardoning turkeys and uses Thanksgiving 2017 to dismantle private prisons, Lorde releases a bomb single and no one calls it a distraction, TV shows about men in lawn chairs are outlawed, literally no one has heard of Betsy DeVos, same to Tillerson, Jared Kushner owns and operates an unsuccessful hot dog stand on a lesser pier, Rihanna and I are in love, I never leave…

· The One Where I’m A Movie Star, lol